Why You Keep Holding Yourself Back (Even When You Know Better)

For years, I believed I was just procrastinating or “not disciplined enough.” But what I’ve come to realize—through personal growth, coaching others, and deep inner work—is that self-sabotage isn’t laziness. It’s a subconscious way of keeping ourselves safe... even if it costs us our happiness. Let me explain.

The Hidden Role We Play

We all live out certain stories. Maybe you’re the underdog who only performs when someone doubts you. Or the self-destructive artist who builds something just to destroy it. Or the “sidekick” always helping others, never pursuing your own dreams.

For a long time, I was stuck in the identity of someone who had to overcome pain to feel worthy. I needed struggle to justify my success. Without it, I felt unmotivated, even disgusted.

We unconsciously attach to roles like:

• The underdog

• The martyr

• The sidekick

• The background character

• The victim

• The self-saboteur

And here’s the catch: a part of us finds significance in playing that role. It makes us feel special, even if it's painful.

Why We Hold Ourselves Back

Self-sabotage often isn’t you “messing things up.” It’s you unknowingly giving yourself exactly what you want... or what a hidden part of you believes you deserve.

If deep down you believe:

• You’re not good enough,

• You don’t deserve success,

• Life has to be hard,

• Or you should be punished for past mistakes...

Then your subconscious will find a way to align your life with those beliefs—even if your conscious mind is chasing goals and dreams.

Ask the Right Questions

To go deeper, I started using the method from Julien Blanc (AKA JulienHimself) which he calls the shadow questions. They’re uncomfortable but powerful:

• Why am I not good enough?

• Why do I deserve to be punished?

• Why is success scary?

• Why does life have to be hard?

• Why will no one ever truly accept me?

Don’t answer with “I am good enough!”—that’s your defense. Instead, sit with it. Let the real answers come up. What part of you believes this? Maybe it started when you were five. Maybe it’s linked to a painful memory. That’s the gold.

Feel to Heal: The Letting Go Practice

Healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself. It’s about feeling what's there—and letting go of the resistance to being with it. Most people try to escape or numb their emotions. But I’ve learned that the only way out is through.

Here’s how to let go:

1. Awareness – you notice the trigger or tension in my body.

2. Allow – you allow to feel it fully, without analyzing or resisting it.

3. Release – you breathe, surrender, and let the feeling run its course. Not trying to get rid of it—just being with it.

It’s not about forcing or fixing. It’s about opening and softening. Cold showers have a similar effect: when your body wants to tense and resist, can you stay soft and open? That’s the practice.

Reclaiming Power

Your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. But first, you have to see the invisible strings pulling you—old identities, traumas, limiting beliefs. Instead of asking, “When will I finally be okay?” ask, “Why don’t I feel okay right now?” And know this: the moment you stop chasing a better version of yourself—and start embracing all that you are—is the moment everything begins to shift.